High Holidays – a Stoner’s Guide to Surviving the Family Dinner
It’s that time of year again and soon we’ll all meet with our extended families, answer annoying questions about our lives, and wish we were high enough to survive the evening.
Unless you’re from a super progressive family, get ready to have your drunk uncle give you a beer-fueled lecture about the dangers of weed (oh, the irony).
Sharing THC-infused Christmas cookies to calm everyone down isn’t quite as popular yet as we wish it would be, but we have you covered with this (not so serious) guide to surviving the holidays:
Solution #1: Get super-high before you even get there
This tried and true classic has never failed anyone. Whip out your favorite rolling papers, bong, pipe, vaporizer, dab-rig, bubble, glass blunt, gas mask, or pineapple with a hole and get nice and baked until even the dumbest comments about your failure of a life won’t bother you anymore. The only problem with this technique, your high will eventually wear off. The solution? Keep reading.
Solution #2: Get lots, and lots of “fresh air”
Fresh air is healthy for body and soul. It’s even more effective when you mix it with a few rips from the vaporizer you’ve handily hidden in your jacket pocket. Find the nearest dog, child, or pet horse and volunteer to take it outside. Everyone will thank you for being so helpful and you can get high in peace — win-win!
Solution #3: Eat the high
If you don’t have a vaporizer or your annoying nephew doesn’t want to go outside, it’s time for plan B. This is where you sneakily take out the space cakes you prepared at home. Oh yeah, you’ll have to spend about four hours making cannabis butter and baking cookies. “Fuck that,” you say? Suit yourself.
Solution #4: You’re the preacher now
So, your initial comfortable high has worn off and you’re confronted with the harsh reality of your entire family together in one place. Your aunt’s 17th rendition of her story about that time she met Russel Crowe at the airport (he was so nice!) has pushed you way past the point of giving a shit and just roll a joint at the dining table.
Before anyone can start their lecture, you hit with a pre-emptive biblical strike. “The biblical high priests burned cannabis as an offering during a time of turmoil, and what are the holidays all about if not doing what God demands of us?!” Now you’re are the righteous one. See how that works?
Solution #5: Get everyone else high
If all else fails, tell all kids present you saw Santa in the living room. As soon as they cleared the room, light the joint you rolled in step 4 and pass it around. Now that everyone knows it’s God’s will, they can’t possibly say no.
Congratulations, you just saved the holidays!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and a blessed Kwanzaa from everyone at IHL.